Is the first day the hardest? Will it get easier? I had no Starbucks, pop or ice cream. I made it all day without a cigarette…until about five minutes ago. No walk.
I couldn’t wake myself up this morning, I figured I would go for a stroll after work. I forgot my lunch (peanut butter and jelly) so I had to buy something. What to get? I almost gave in to a venti, nonfat, extra hot, no whip mocha with a Classic Coffee Cake, but reason won. How could I betray myself on the first day of small changes? Instead I opted for a tuna melt, bag of chips, chocolate chip cookie and Blue Machine Naked juice. Yeah, twelve dollars later I wondered if I might have been better off with my beloved coffee combo. Once again, my bank account balance went down and my stomach was engorged.
When I got home I ate and ate and ate, after all, there are only a few restrictions on what I eat but not how much I eat. It’s as if I’m trying to pull one over on someone, find a loop hole. I’ve never liked rules or authority, apparently not even when I’m the one writing the regulations. All that food made me tired, and now we’re back to the couch instead of the park.
I almost didn’t write tonight, I didn’t want to admit that I already failed. When I look again at my goals, I must admit that the small steps are actually pretty big ones. I feel a sense of defeat but I’m trying to give myself some latitude and a little credit for what I did accomplish. If I’m going to change my life for the better I need to be truthful. I cant sneak a cigarette or skip a walk and keep myself from finding out. I hope to learn to work with me and not hide behind my own back.
I read that success is the result of persistence not perfection. Today only one cigarette, no pop, Starbucks or ice cream, let’s call it a semi triumph.
