Dealing With Difficult People

I really need to change my mind.  I am so down on myself.  To break it down, I have a good job but the people I work with make it almost unbearable.  After a nice vacation over the 3 day weekend, the thought of going back to work sends me into a sadness I can hardly describe.  Today, for the millionth time, I was crying when Paul picked me up from work.  Nothing new, my coworker, Mildred, will not let a day go by with out trying to make me feel small and about as smart as a thumb tack.  The job itself is fine but it is very complicated.  (Please understand that I am grateful I’m employed and able to pay my mortgage and put food in my belly, it’s just that nothing is perfect.)  Not to get too far into detail about my work, here’s the short description- I process wires. There are very strict guidelines and procedures to follow and one mistake can cost the bank money.  Given that I am not a robot, I have been known to screw up.  8 months into the job (5yrs with the company) I still feel as though it’s my 1^st week and Mildred is right there to let me know that I’m not keeping up.  Mildred, or Jack (my other, slightly less intolerant coworker) may make a mistake or get behind, but for them it’s funny or they’re just having one of those days, but when I do something wrong WATCH OUT I’m “not paying attention” “careless” “oblivious” “lazy” etc. etc.  Mildred is a stunning beauty from Africa and my age, she is a favorite in the department and the Lead of my group.  Her voice is small and when she rolls her eyes or speaks to me like a special ed student, no one else notices.  There is no recourse for me here, no one would believe that Mildred is so horrible to me.  On a team of 3 people, there would be no way to remain anonymous if I were to voice my concerns, making things worse.  I haven’t felt so alienated since I was bullied in grade school.  Throughout my teens and into adulthood I’ve made friends easily and gotten along with most everyone I meet.  I’m truly at a loss as to how to deal with this.  I cannot ignore her because she has all the answers and I often need help.  Back to the beginning, I need to change my mind.  Why does she get under my skin?  Why give her the time of day in my head?  Why write about her in my blog?  Why cry at the thought of being caught in her icy glare?  Maybe I can’t stand being hated.  Maybe it’s because I can’t get away, I need her to do my job.  Whatever it is it’s not worth it to let someone determine the outcome of my day.  I would have liked to walk or do something constructive today but I was so drained and my eyes burned from all the tears and I gave in to expensive and high calorie takeout along with some cigarettes.  I can’t use her as an excuse, I don’t know that my day would have turned out any differently if she hadn’t been so exceptionally unkind.  But it certainly doesn’t help.  I feel that if I could find a purpose, something outside of work so that it doesn’t make or break my day, I would be able to separate myself from the negativity she throws my way.  That’s part of the reason for this blog, for these goals, all I have to do now is Shut Up And Do It.